How motherhood is different for each child
Disclaimer: I am not sure that I am fully eligible to comment on this topic as I have only 2 kids. However I follow a lot of European and American moms, who have multiple (read 4 and more) kids and I have found them sharing this common thought. So here I am, sharing how I am a different mother to my two daughters.
The impetus for this post comes from the fact that my little one just turned 6. I still can't believe as she's the baby of the family even now, and I am unsure how long this will continue. I am almost a completely different person to both of them, and here's how.
I am way more lenient with her than I am with my elder one. Mohi, my first born's primary complaint with me is that I am not strict with her sister enough. I agree totally as I bend my rules to my fullest capacity for the little one while for Mohi, it's never that way.
I am more patient. I had been an angry mom with Mohi, not just because she drives me crazy but because I have always had less patience for her. The fact is that motherhood teaches you patience like nothing else. It's being mom to her taught me to be immensely patient, and that is being milked by Mishi.
I have less energy. Maybe because I had Mohi at 25 and Mishi at 30. 5 years is a considerable amount of time to get drained, especially as a mom. The amount of efforts I have spent (and still do) on Mohi, is nothing that I do for Mishi. I had parents of older kids teasing me on the same, when I used to make out of the box crafts and other stuff for school for Mohi.
I have lower expectations. Maybe because I don't put so much effort on her. Whether it's creating worksheets or excelling in school projects, cooking special meals or buying top things, I have done nothing for my little one. My entire reserve of time and energy gets spent on my elder one. Mishi thrives on hand me downs of her sister, modest school projects and is an average performer. And I am not bothered by it.
She's more like a cuddly toy for me while my elder one is a project. One can't have a favourite child but sometimes I feel that I love Mishi more. Maybe because I am constantly guilty that I don't do enough for her. Or maybe she's too cute and irresistible. I look at her tiny face (even at 6 years) and feel that she deserves so much more from me. And that engulfs me with accountability and I coddle her even more. This really angers Mohi and she starts behaving madly, which in turn angers me and it's a vicious cycle. While Mishi watches us fighting from a corner and then runs to me and hugs me and says I love you mumma.
Motherhood baffles me every single day!
As you all must have guessed by now, it was a Paw Patrol party. My kids have been obsessed with these pups forever and this year we decided on embracing them. The theme was red and blue and we all were endorsing either Chase or Marshall. IYKYK. 😀
For the first time, Mishi had so many of her classmates joining her party. The previous years, mostly had our family friends.
The party was a huge success (sigh of relief). We played Tambola and many other games, there were stellar performances and I cooked a storm (which everyone loved thankfully.)
The first function of the year checked off from the list, next would be Mohi's birthday party. Wish me luck!
This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla.
18 comments
I am at a loss of words. I have never thought about how my mom looks at the three of us. When she gets irritated, she does say that the three of our mannerless and obstinate, but I guess motherhood isn't easy.
ReplyDeleteSuch a heartfelt post, Mandira! It’s interesting how motherhood evolves with each child. I see this with friends who have more than 1 kids, the patience, expectations, and energy shift so much! Also, the Paw Patrol party sounds like a blast. Wishing you luck for Mohi’s birthday!
ReplyDeleteI agree. Motherhood is different for every child. My son my firstborn was a darling child. He always was loving and emotional. My daughter was close to her dad and sidelined me for everything. After he passed away it was very tough for me to get her on my page. I would like to request you to not be stern with Mohi. Please give her more hugs and love always. kids realise this sooner or later. I lost my young son and now I am very close to my daughter but the empty space will always be there.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the entire post all I can say I found you to be the most honest mom who atleast accept that perhaps you are little partial with little one and strict with the elder. I want to pat you for such honesty which I have never seen any to show still date. Neither my mom nor my mom in law.....And I as a person strongly believe - Unish(19) - Bish (20) ka pharg hota hi ha... The reason is you cannot love any 2 things or any 2 persons equally .... I am Proud of you Mandira.
ReplyDeleteThat you write from your heart, is evident in your honest confessions here. I also feel, its ok to be protective to one and to be lenient to another, because no one knows children better than a mom does. You are a great mom.
ReplyDeleteHey, Mandira, I am with you. Motherhood change with every kid. Because every kid is different and as a mother we become pro. 😄 I know I was impatient with my first one and now handling twins .
ReplyDeleteSuch a heartfelt and honest post! I truly admire your courage to speak your truth so openly. There’s absolutely no reason to feel guilty. I believe you’re a wonderful mother to both, and I’m certain they will be incredibly proud of you. The party looks like it was an absolute blast! Your daughters, Mohi and Mishi, have such lovely names, and they’re absolutely adorable. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your post!
ReplyDeleteThe first is a project and the second is a cuddly toy. What a refreshingly honest post this is. I have only found mothers who take pains to say that they treat all children equally when it is evident that is not so. I liked this a lot. We always have more expectations from the first and also more energy
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this. It's so true how we become different moms for each child. I can totally relate to how you feel with your two girls. I’m also more lenient with my younger one, and sometimes I feel like I do more for the older one. It’s funny how every day is a new learning experience in motherhood. Your little one’s Paw Patrol party sounds like it was so much fun, and it’s clear how much love you put into making their moments special. Wishing you all the best for Mohi’s birthday party too. 😍
ReplyDelete-Anjali
Totally agree with you there Mandira .We are a different kind of mother to all our children because of the simple reason that our circumstances change , we grow up in between pregnancies , become wiser too.The first time is full of anxieties and the next time already carries some wisdom from the previous experience, so yes , we are different mothers to our different kids.
ReplyDeleteI would like to add another dimension to it - our parenting styles change also with the personality of each child. For instance I always knew what I wanted to do so my parents took a backseat. While my sister needed more clarity so my mum worked more with her in helping figure out her options. Or that I loose my temper more with the younger one because he is more bratty as compared to his elder brother who was an easier child.
ReplyDeleteI can’t personally relate to motherhood, as I am not one, and it’s a topic we avoid at home. My mom was a single parent, and my elder brother is a single father, so conversations around motherhood always feel a bit awkward for us. That said, every journey is different and the emotions, challenges, and joys that come with it are respected.
ReplyDeleteYou're an amazing mom. It's perfectly alright to be different moms for your daughters because they are different, right? Different folks, different strokes, and that is being a great mom!
ReplyDeleteThe one experience which I can never have is being a mother. However, I can relate to you being an elder son. Rules do get bent for the younger one for sure!
ReplyDeleteEvery parent is in the same boat as you; you aren't alone. I have only one son, so its an altogether diff story, but I have 2 lder sisters so I can say that the way [arents treat each child is always different. You must agree that the nature of the 2 kids is also different, and hence they get treated differently, right?
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on this. I try to be the same to both, and I know I'm not. My little one is the family's baby but I always feel that my elder one was made to grow up fast ever since she arrived. But as long as we bring them up well, I guess it's ok. Kudos on the party! Well done, Mandira!
ReplyDeleteYou are great! Because my mom or dad never admitted that their parenthood were different even though as kids we could sense the difference. They were always lenient with my younger sister and it kinda sucked as a child. But I know I am loved more. Haha. Love your honest post.
ReplyDeleteI can very well resonate to this girl. I'm also a mom of two and I experience the same
ReplyDelete